02/03/2017
Sometimes I do not feel like taking a breath. When I close my eyes I just feel the need to jump deep down into our village river. I desperately want to walk in the muddy fields of my old place. At midnight when I wake up from nightmares, I accidentally start to call for my mother. After screaming for a while, I get back my senses and find myself in this place where my boss kindheartedly let me stay. I do not know if my friend Helal still misses me or not. The day I was leaving my village our math teacher was very sick, I went to visit him but he did not recognize me. Just like my mother, who was not recognizing me a few days before she died. Nowadays I see them both in my dreams. I miss so many things and people. Even at this moment, I feel like running, running away from this crazy city; from this heartless place towards my village where the sun rises everyday differently; where the river takes away all pain and where my friends are waiting for me. But I cannot go. My uncle forced me to leave his house. He asked me to go to whoever I knew. But I knew no one. My uncle was taking care of me and my mother from the day I knew the world around me. I felt very bad for him when he was beating me. He was a kind person; maybe he cried a lot after I left. I bought a shirt for him with my money. Some day when I will return, I will give him his gift. I am grateful to my poor uncle, whatever he did for me and my mother was enough for us. I expect nothing more from him. When I left my place I went to my mother’s grave. During the last flood all signs of my mother’s grave were taken away. There was a flower tree near the grave, which was the only sign, but people had cut down the tree. There was no sign anymore, that’s why I closed my eyes and took some soil from there by guessing which was hers. Whenever I feel afraid at night I put the packet of soil onto my chest. I feel my mother putting her hand on me. I feel safe and go back to sleep.
- Arif