04/30/2026
I looked fine. I still look fine. But you should see my insides.
For a long time, I thought the answer was to try harder. Push more. Stay longer. Keep going. Say yes when everything in me meant no, and call it strength.
What nobody could see was the inside. Tangled. Fraying. Held together by will and the fear of letting people down who probably weren’t losing sleep over me.
Here’s what took me way too long to learn:
Exhaustion isn’t weakness. Fatigue isn’t laziness. Sometimes things are hard… not because we’re not trying hard enough, but because they’re wrong for us. Because the people in that space cost more than the thing itself ever could. For those of us wired differently, navigating a world that wasn’t built with us in mind, saying no isn’t about the doing. It’s about who’s in the room. What it costs just to be there. To mask, manage, translate ourselves in real time so everyone else stays comfortable.
And then there’s my body, quietly keeping score this whole time. Neuroendocrine cancer didn’t negotiate. It just eventually made the choice for me.
So I stopped. Not all at once. Not cleanly. But I am learning to stop showing up as someone else.
And I’m taking the time to introduce me to me.
Part of that looks like picking up a brush instead of a needle. Trying watercolors at Studio Zen in a room full of strangers – tapping into a creativity that never felt safe or achievable or mine. Not because I suddenly felt ready. Because the people made the space feel safe enough to try. That kind of community – unscripted, unpressured, just people showing up for themselves in the same room – I didn’t know I needed it until I was already in it. Right in the middle of unraveling and becoming.
And then back to the needle. The mending. Taking something worn and torn and deciding it’s still worth the slow, careful attention. Stitch by stitch. No shortcuts.
Me and those damn jeans have so much in common.✨
Rest is not something we earn. The right path doesn’t ask us to abandon ourselves to walk it.
I’m still figuring out who I am underneath all the pushing through. Still stitching. Still learning to stay in the room with myself.