10/09/2026
Saddam's Revenge
I was living on fob Black just across the Euphrates from Fallujah. We had just come back after a typical 7-10 days of hunting for IED's being installed their usual places. We lived and ate with the locals and a lottery had taken shape, resulting in only one guy from the team getting "the trots" after each trip. I was due.
We were close enough to Camp Fallujah to get "hot rations" a couple times a week and it was spaghetti night. I scarfed it down without hesitation and returned to my h***h. The team was circled around a mini-DVD player, sitting in lawn chairs, and debating our nightly movie when my stomach twisted into a knot and bit the backside of my bu****le. The warning was clear. The action was on me.
I hopped up to grab my pistol belt, baby wipes, and trotted out the door with a purpose. The GPS in my colon was tracking my steps and the closer I got, the more concerned I became about the task ahead.
For those who aren't familiar with the WagBag. It's a plastic package, with a trash bag of kitty-litter, toilet paper, hand wipe, and a ziplock to stuff it all in when you're done. We had toilet stations in nylon tents that required you to lift the seat, tear open the wagbag, find the p**p bag, shake it open, place it into the toilet frame, close the lid, unbuckle and sit down to do your business.
I made it to around step 2 before the first wave was caught by my boot bands. By the time I got the bag in place and the seat down, there was no reason to hurry. I hung my head in shameful anticipation of the big reveal. With a painful grimace I slowly dropped my pants and sat down to contemplate the clean up.
There was little I could do but strip naked and start at the bottom. A full pack of baby wipes later, I prepared myself for the walk of shame. I slid my boots on, rolled my socks into my pants, buckled my pistol belt, wished I hadn't cut off the bottom half of my skivvy shirt for toilet paper earlier that week, and held my pants over my meat stick as I walked bare ass across the fob back to my h***h.
It did not go unnoticed.
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