12/20/2024
Emotional post, the buildup of 3 years.
Tonight begins the Chassidic New Year of Yud Tes Kislev. Up until 3 years ago, I spent it as most Chassidim do, farbrenging and recommitting myself to learn and live Chassidus.
Enter fertility treatments.
Fertility treatments really don’t care what’s going on in your life, they just take over. You show up to do bloodwork at (for me) the crack of dawn. You get prodded, poked, and bare all your privates for countless people, all analyzing your cycle, using terms that make you blush, and wearing you down emotionally. Oh. And sending you home with the needles. The needles.
Did you know I was the kid who had to be held down by my mom, a nurse, AND a doctor for every immunization? Yup. I was the screamer. The thrasher. The dramatic. But Hashem has a fantastic sense of humor, and gave me a diagnosis that requires routine blood work. So these days at least I can endure the regular blood-taking… but injecting myself is something I really couldn’t do. I did try. I tried talking myself through it, not looking, everything. In the end we consulted a Rav who gave us the correct advice. What a relief to find a supportive Rav who will tell you how to apply the law for daily life.
The Alter Rebbe/Baal haTanya introduced the concept of the 4 levels of the spiritual world, and funnily enough, the world of fertility treatments also has levels. Just you really DON’T want to advance in levels. There’s the fertility booster shots, the IUI, and the in-vitro.
I recently came across a page of notes discussing fertility stuff, and a line there made me laugh: Don’t try IUI, it never works. Huh.
Fast forward and we’re at the crossroads. If the IUI doesn’t work, we advance to IVF. It’s hanging over my head. I’m already so worn out emotionally, and I have real fear (and rightly so) of IVF. The rumors and whisperings are scaring me. I REALLY can’t go there.
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