10/04/2026
Father likes to pretend he is a master mechanic. He bought a mechanic’s creeper. For those unfamiliar, this is a padded wooden board on tiny caster wheels that allows you to slide smoothly underneath a vehicle.
I should have known better. Bringing a new wheeled object into the driveway was practically an invitation for chaos.
Father laid down on the creeper, grabbed his wrench, and rolled himself under the Honda. From my angle on the porch, all I could see were his denim-clad legs sticking out from beneath the rear bumper.
Then, Moose walked out of the garage.
Phase 1: The Investigation
Moose froze. He stared at the driveway. Where there was once a complete, vertical Father, there was now only a horizontal lower half.
Moose took this personally. How dare the silver beast consume his favorite human.
He approached the boots with extreme caution, lowering his massive neck. He sniffed Father’s left sneaker.
"Father? Are you in there? Speak to me from the belly of the machine."
Father, completely unaware of the 165-pound search-and-rescue team looming behind him, grunted and shifted his weight to reach a bolt. The sudden movement startled Moose.
Apparently, this was now an emergency.
Phase 2: The Rescue Operation
My 165-pound Great Dane decided that Father was being swallowed alive by the Honda and required immediate extraction. But a Great Dane does not pull; a Great Dane investigates with his face.
Moose dropped his front elbows to the concrete. He shimmied his giant blocky head beneath the exhaust pipe, desperate to make visual contact with Father’s face.
He found Father’s shoulder. Moose delivered a frantic, wet, aggressive nose-boop to check for vital signs.
Here is the fatal flaw in Moose’s rescue plan. The creeper was on wheels. Moose possesses the neck strength of a defensive lineman.
The moment Moose shoved his wet nose into Father’s shoulder, the wheeled board smoothly rolled forward.
Father slid two inches deeper under the car.
Phase 3: The Escalation
Moose panicked. The metal beast was pulling Father deeper into its lair!
He shoved his head further underneath the chassis, squishing his loose jowls against the pavement, and nudged Father’s chest.
WHOOSH. Father rolled another six inches into the darkness.
"Hey! Stop it!" Father yelled, his voice echoing off the undercarriage.
Father was no help. His shouting only confirmed Moose’s worst fear: Father was trapped and crying out for his loyal hound.
Moose began whining, a high-pitched sound that vibrated through his massive ribcage. He army-crawled halfway under the bumper, extended his tongue to its maximum length, and aggressively licked Father directly across the forehead.
The kinetic force of the giant, sandpaper tongue pushed Father’s face. The wheels engaged again.
VROOOOOOM.
Father shot forward on the creeper, disappearing completely from the rear of the car and rocketing toward the front axle.
The Climax: The Ejection
"MOOSE! NO!"
The muffled yelling only fueled the mission. Moose scrambled backward, pulling his head out from under the trunk. He galloped to the side of the car, dropped down, and shoved his snout behind the front tire.
There was Father, trapped in the dark.
Moose delivered one final, heroic headbutt to Father’s ribs.
The creeper hit maximum velocity. Father shot out from under the front bumper like a torpedo, rolling completely across the driveway and crashing into the garden hose.
The Aftermath
Father lay flat on his back in the sunshine, covered in grease, driveway dirt, and excessive amounts of dog saliva.
Moose stood over him, panting heavily, looking incredibly proud. He gave Father one last sniff to ensure he was fully intact.
I walked over and handed Father a towel.
Moose looked at me as though I had betrayed him. Why was I not cheering? He had just battled a two-ton Honda and won.
"I have extracted the man, Mother. The metal beast goes hungry today."
Father is currently taking a very long shower.
Moose is sitting in the driveway, aggressively barking at the Honda’s tailpipe to ensure it never tries to eat his family again.
I am taking the wheels off that board tomorrow.
