10/19/2026
I wrote this whole thing....long and heart felt. It was accidentally erased.
Perhaps it wasn't meant for me to post it.
All I can say is...true repentance, deliverance, renewal of heart and mind, and accountability are the keys to create a whole new marriage. A new wife. A new husband.
Free from guilt, shame, hurts, and toxic patterns from a world and environment that prison, and the trauma caused by infidelity is absolutely necessary.
It's not impossible. All things are possible with God. I realized to have that healing come for him will first have to be him snapping out of the paranoia psychosis that made me a enemy in his mind.
I have started my healing journey from his adultery and lack emotional availability amongst all the behaviors learned in prison that directly affected our marriage, which in turn made me become less joyous, less loving life, and being a source of peace. I stopped caring about my health, my weight. My self esteem was shot, knowing I could never physically look like the women he was talking to behind my back. Yeah, I changed. I stopped trying to compete. Stopped asking for respect. Stopped asking for him to care about my feelings. I learned my feelings didnt matter to him with time. He wasnt a safe space for me anymore, so yeah, I changed.
Its not easy. But for him to heal from all the "stuff" from childhood on up...first I am praying God to release his mind from the stronghold blocking the gates of his heart and mind from healing. As long as hes under this spell or psychosis believing Im his enemy, he is going to feel justified in his actions.
Now, if he intentionally chose to do and say all the evil things he has done since he left, I still gotta forgive, but God Is clear on how to deal with such people.
But, I dont believe or dont want to believe our entire marriage was just a performance for him. Can anyone truly be that deceptive?
Would anyone really go that far just to gain validation for their cheating, infidelity, manipulation etc. To look like a victim to justify their actions to the point they're willing to destroy the person who loves them wholeheartedly, and destroy their whole life and assassinate their character so they can look good and be supported?
If so, thats pretty darn sick.
These are my conflicting thoughts.
Last week, I found out he still saying and thinking I was out to get him somehow. This person is a neutral person. He was trying to gain sympathy and help from them, so perhaps hes telling the lie to gain sympathy or he really believes what hes saying. Only God knows.
Still going to pray for his deliverance either way. But one of those two thoughts would make a huge difference in regards to reconciliation.
Deliberately being evil and conscious about it is diffrent then doing evil because you've got demons working in you and have been turned over to a reprobate mind and wouldn't have done those things otherwise.
All I know is God told me to fast and pray, and if I surcomb to the thought he is very much conscious about ALL his actions and NOT under some sort of spell or trauma induced psychosis, then I would be lead to believe he was just born to be evil (the bible talks about such people) and my prayers would look a lot different.
I definitely wouldn't want reconciliation. But I heard God clear as day...fast and pray. His salvation, healing, and deliverance are depending on all who are praying for him. He is sanctified by his sanctified wife per the Word of God.
And best believe Satan is throwing EVERYTHING at me to either cause me to fall, be distracted, or give me a diffrent path or road to travel that does not include my husband. The more time that goes by, the bigger the distance, the more I remember how many sins my love for him hid.
Only God can fix this. It would be a huge miracle and testimony. God would get ALL the glory, for real!
