12/12/2022
That’s the thing about Christmas magic… it’s all made by regular people. And yet it still turns out to be magical ✨
(1/15) “It’s a magic trick, a dupe. Nothing but an illusion. And it starts the moment you walk in the door. Biggest store in the world. Eight full floors of shopping. And Santaland is at the very top. You can take the elevators. Or you can do what I did when I was a kid, and what I still do today: you take the escalators. Up, up, up. Through make-up. Through linens. Through housewares. Around the third floor, something happens. The escalators change to wood. They’re over one hundred years old, these escalators. From the original Macy’s. When you see them, you know: very soon. You’re about to see Santa. Your heart starts racing. Up, up, up. Until finally you see it: the back of the line. A line like you wouldn’t believe. Real life is happening in that line. Somebody pooped their diaper. Somebody needs to be breastfed. If anyone tries to smuggle in a pet, a white flower will step in. White flowers are managers. But nothing in Santaland is called by its actual name. The line goes past windows featuring scenes from Miracle on 34th Street. Then it spits you out at The North Pole. There’s a little kiosk with an elf. Full-grown adult, but the floor is dug out. So it looks like an elf. They’ll ask you Christmas questions: How many reindeer? How many lords a leaping? Doesn’t matter if you know the answer, because it’s all a mind game. To make you forget how long you’ve been waiting. In the business we call it ‘resetting the clock.’ After the elf you’re into the final maze. Everything covered in snow. Everything lit to the nines: the rainbow bridge, the animatronic penguins, the Lionel train. All of it setting up the final trick. You’ll come to a giant toy soldier made of candy. And that’s when you know you’ve arrived. A final elf will whisper those magic words: ‘Follow me.’ They’re walking backwards. They’re waving their hands. Keep looking at the hands. Don’t look at the other children, following other elves, to other doors. Just follow your elf to your door. Then walk right in. Turn that final corner, and p**f. Real life disappears. All the waiting, all the crying, all the pooping, just melts away. And you’re face-to-face with the grandest illusion of all: Me.”