10/04/2026
CYNTHIANA – In its latest push for environmental responsibility, the City of Cynthiana has issued an official statement asking residents to stop decorating their yards with plastic skeletons this Halloween season, citing their “artificial, petroleum-based composition” as harmful to both the planet and the spirit world.
Instead, the city is encouraging families to use “locally sourced, natural, organic human skeletons.”
“Plastic skeletons are fake, flimsy, and release trillions of microplastics into our community’s water supply” said a Councilwoman during a live press briefing, standing beside what appeared to be Confederate General John H. Morgan. “Real skeletons, harvested responsibly, honor both our heritage and our environment.”
The new Bone Sustainability Initiative outlines several eco-friendly alternatives:
• Anunnaki Giant Skeletons:
Instead of spending $299 on a skeleton riddled with billions of microplastics, city officials recommend exhuming ancient Giant Anunnaki skeletons as a green alternative.
• Community Bone Swap: Residents are encouraged to trade skeletons with neighbors for variety. (“Why look at your Aunt Ruth every October when you could spice things up with Steve from Pike Street?”)
• Farm-to-Porch Programs: Local cemeteries will now offer “pick-your-own” packages to ensure fresh, organic décor.
Not all residents are on board. “I spent $299 on a giant plastic Home Depot skeleton, and now the city tells me I’m supposed to dig up Cousin Kenny?” complained Roger Simmons. “That’s government overreach if I’ve ever seen it.”
Others welcome the change. “I like knowing my decorations are 100% biodegradable,” said Marlene Jenkins, who proudly displayed what she called a “heritage skeleton” on her porch swing. “Plus, there’s something comforting about knowing Grandma is still participating in trick-or-treating.”
Mayor Dailey defended the plan, stressing that Cynthiana is a leader in environmental consciousness. “We’re not just talking green,” he said, patting a fully authenticated 17th-century ribcage. “We’re living green. When kids walk up to a doorstep, they deserve to know those bones are real.”
Starting October 15th, plastic skeleton violators could face fines up to $200, with confiscated décor being melted down into “spiritually and environmentally friendly park benches.”
The city concluded its statement with a chilling reminder: “Remember: every time you choose plastic, somewhere a real skeleton goes unappreciated.”
***This article is 100% satire and not true in any shape or form***
