05/22/2026
๐๐ซ๐ฎ๐ฆ๐ฉ ๐๐ฅ๐๐ข๐ฆ๐ฌ ๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ซ๐ ๐๐ซ ๐๐ซ๐จ๐ฐ๐ ๐๐ญ ๐๐๐ญ๐ญ๐ฒ๐ฌ๐๐ฎ๐ซ๐ ๐๐ก๐๐ง ๐๐ข๐ง๐๐จ๐ฅ๐ง, ๐๐๐๐ฌ ๐๐ข๐ง๐๐จ๐ฅ๐ง'๐ฌ ๐๐ฉ๐๐๐๐ก "๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ซ๐ฒ ๐๐จ๐ฐ ๐๐๐ญ๐ข๐ง๐ ๐ฌ"
NEW FROM DYZORDER - NEWS ON EVERYTHING TRUMPIAN AND MAGGAT.
By Hugh Jassman
The Daily Dyzorder Dumpster Fire
May 21, 2026 at 5:22PM
๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐, ๐๐ - Dismissing the historical significance of the 1863 address as "frankly, a total disaster," President Donald Trump told a crowd of supporters Thursday that his recent visit to the Gettysburg National Military Park drew significantly more attendees than Abraham Lincolnโs, while also noting that the 16th president's speech suffered from "very, very low ratings."
"If you look at the pictures, and many people have looked at the pictures, Lincolnโs crowd was tiny. Barely anyone was there, to be honest with you. Sad!" Trump said, standing before a modest gathering of supporters near Cemetery Ridge. "He got up there, spoke for two minutes - very low energy, no stamina - and then he sat down. Iโve been speaking for an hour and a half, and nobody is leaving. Lincoln didn't even have any cameras, so the ratings were basically zero. Nobody was watching on television."
According to campaign aides, Trump spent the morning wandering the hallowed battlefield, repeatedly asking park rangers why Lincoln failed to sell any commemorative merchandise or secure a corporate sponsor for the dedication of the National Cemetery.
"Honestly, Abraham Lincoln - or as I call him, Honest (But Failing) Abe - did not know how to work a room," Trump continued, gesturing toward a bronze monument of a Union soldier. "He read from a little piece of paper. No teleprompter, no riffing, no crowd work. He didn't even throw hats to the troops. And the acoustic situation? Terrible. Iโve spoken to a lot of top generals, the best generals, and they all tell me, 'Sir, your Gettysburg address would have been so much louder.'"
Trump went on to criticize the media's coverage of the Civil War, claiming that the "Fake News Telegraphs" refused to report on the sheer volume of patriots who would have showed up if he had been the one giving the address.
"Four score and seven years? What does that even mean? Nobody speaks like that anymore. It's terrible messaging," Trump added, adjusting his red tie. "I would have said, 'A really long time ago, a lot of great people founded this country, and now we're doing it better than anyone ever thought possible.' People would have gone crazy for it. They would have carried me out of here on their shoulders."
At press time, Trump was reportedly demanding that the National Park Service tear down the Gettysburg Address memorial plaque and replace it with a 40-foot marble monument commemorating the time he successfully navigated a slight incline on Little Round Top in leather golf shoes.
